Simon Douglass

Bad Arm

2006-05-08T21:16:00.000+01:00

I've just recieved a text message from a friend, a fellow comedian on his way to a gig in Swansea. The message reads 'I have fucked my arm by falling over in Reading Station'. My immediate concern propelled me to write back 'Are you ok? Did you make it to the gig?'

'At gig, but Ow!' came the reply

Still, at least he will have something interesting to talk about when taking the stage. The old comedic cliché of "something funny happened to me on the way to the gig" if always avoided for fear of being "hack", was surely now a method worth employing.

Since I have a rather large gig on Thursday night in front of 300 or so people, looking down at my bank of material, I am considering going to Reading beforehand, hoping to lose balance.

To be honest, this isn't really possible - it's time to sit down and write.

e-pizza.

2006-05-02T23:49:00.000+01:00

I ordered a pizza online last night from a well known pizza chain, paid on my credit card and once my order was complete I recieved an email from "the kitchen" which contained the soothing missive of "relax, it's on its way"

Not being completely convinced by the idea that the information on the type and style of pizza I required was being transmitted via small electronic pulses along a phone line towards a pizza restaurant in East London, I called them up after half an hour fully prepared to rant and to dismiss their e-venture as wildly ambitious and foolish, as my buzzer rang, and 5 mins later I was eating pizza.

It wasn't that good actually, my e-pizza. It tasted hastily prepared, as if it were assembled by the very person who built the technology which aided it's delivery.

I imagined a geek with jargonistic tendencies, winner of some IT company's "coder of the year" competition, winning a t-shirt featuring an iconic penguin, falling on hard times, ending up dropping mushrooms onto a circular bready base.

The idea suddenly didn't seem so clever...

My thoughts turned to e-babs.

I fell asleep

the importance of having butter

2005-09-29T21:27:00.000+01:00

i've been driving for what seems like four days.

in fact, it is precisely that... four days of erm, driving up and down the country doing gigs of varying quality.

this is my last week as a full-time stand up before embarking upon a new career in er, advertising - one which ended four months ago, and is starting again mainly due to shortage of funds, and to learn my body that 1 in the afternoon is not a suitable time to get up.

the next few weeks are going to be testing.

my week started on sunday afternoon, with a long drive to paignton, devon (nr. torquay). having booked this gig whilst at the edinburgh festival thinking "oh, its only a couple of hours drive down the road", feeling slightly shattered and frustrated 5 and a half hours later when i arrive at the venue... late, had to go straight on stage to do my 10-15 minutes of aimiable northerness, get paid, then embark up on a 5 hour drive back to london, i suddenly feel slightly silly.

still, it was a good gig - i've never been so unprepared, but it felt really good. however, 10 hours driving is not good so i can safely say, it wasn't really worth the effort... well, it was but i won't do such a journey again.

i also got a parking ticket - a first for me. i've never even seen one before, indeed opening it up it doesnt make any sense whatsoever, safe for the fact that i have to pay fifty quid or i face being castrated by ken livingston - or perhaps he employs a specialist to do such menial tasks.

i woke up at 8 on monday morning (after getting back into london about 2ish), and decide to drive straight to manchester for a couple of competition gigs, both of which were awful, one for all the wrong reasons, one for all the right reasons - i'm not even go into the finer details - the one good thing is that i got to see a whole bunch of people i aint seen for ages... lovely.

wednesday (yesterday), i drove back from manchester in the morning and from london to leicester and back in the evening (yes, i know i am a foolish fool). i drove juliet myers there and back, which made the journey a little easier, even if she is the worst person in the world with directions, the number of times we got lost ran into double figures - i've no idea how I got home... so bloody tired... story of my life.

and after 1,200 miles of travelling for four gigs at different ends of the country, all i can think about is rest and relaxation.... i had no food in the flat at all today so went out to do some food shopping, and bought lots of lovely things... however, i've completely forgotten to buy some butter.

i've realised that butter is important...

i want a sandwich...

i can't make one.

i'm still tired.

beard

2005-09-20T22:17:00.000+01:00

what is it with beards?

i tried to have one once, but it became mildly irritating; more so when i shaved it off and 75% of my lower face almost peeled off leaving some nasty red lumps.

so if you're thinking about growing a beard, then my advice is do not.

the most famous person in history with a beard was bluebeard, the famous pirate from that book which is a story about... um, pirates. i don't have a problem with bluebeard, he was a maverick and an early adopter of what was to come many years later...

...unfortunately, billy connolly was woefully miscast in my view. as to why he went with a royal blue (some would deem it purple) goatee-type beard thing in an advert for the lotto (some purists would deem it the national lottery... i'm with the purists) is beyond me.

if he thought that it would go in some way to making him look cool, or appear like the once legendary bluebeard then the plan to add an extra couple of pages onto his autobiography would surely seem ill-conceived.

as it happens, he just ended up having a wierd beard.

lost passions (happy-sad)

2005-09-13T20:27:00.000+01:00

Many years ago I experienced something very special. So special, i've not experienced anything quite like it since... but although that moment is long gone, now at this very moment my feelings towards this special time is suddenly dragged right back into the present as I make a discovery which makes all those memories flood back.

Its a short sharp shock, and its affected me

I'm experiencing happy-sad. you know when you discover something genuinely good which involves someone you were once so close to? yet you feel sad because that particular person is no longer there, nor involved in your life anymore - yet you are happy because that person is living life to the full, and has the very best in security and happiness

I am a daft ambiguous bastard who needs literary hugs to keep him going.

Please send a stamped addressed email with your empathetic prose.

I'd been opening some recent gigs with talk about wanderlust. It's something thats really got me captivated - i love the idea of it, combined with spontanaiety that you can just fuck off anywhere, see the world, do stuff and just generally be at one with life, almost zen-like.

I spent 23 years living in Middlesbrough, moved away with work to live in Bridlington, worked away in Oxfordshire for a bit, before moving to London in 2000.

I've mainly had wanderlust for heavily concreted areas.

Places with lots of pubs in the square mile of the town or city.

With poor numeracy and literary standards...

... there was a shop in Middlesbrough called 'Wilderness Ways' which specialised in the retail of camping paraphinalia... One January they had a sale and placed bunting outside with a big sign saying 'Now is the winter of our discount tents'...

... and that's all I knew about Shakespeare before I went to University...

Anyway,

Now wanderlust has been brought home to me in the most beautiful way - seeing images of an almost forgotten love after a gap of many years, so happy and content with life - but more importantly doing stuff, has ignited feelings of happy-sad, yet I'm still feeling quite sanguine.

God what an emotional artichoke.

So I've decided to make some radical changes in my life...

I'm going to do something lifechanging tomorrow...

I'm going swimming.

gym

2005-09-12T00:26:00.000+01:00

This has been the weekend of nothing.

I've done nothing - i'm good at doing nothing.

However there was some respite from my dull flat last night when I went to a friends birthday party, and ending up on a table of eight very sexy women all quizzing me about stand up comedy.

I don't like people asking about comedy with respect to "tell us a joke then..." but I was happy to allow some leaway in this situation . I guess I was just glad they weren't asking me how single I was (as luck would have it, they were all taken), and seemed impressed at my oft witty reposte.

I must have had too much to drink.

Today is Sunday (I am actually writing this early on Monday morning but don't tell anybody) and tomorrow is Monday (which is actually right now). Tomorrow (or today) I find out details about my new job... so thats exciting...

Apart from that, nothing much else to say... I'm sorry... this is the most boring blog entry ever written.

I might go to the gym tomorrow.

hahahahahahaha.

bandwagons

2005-09-08T09:39:00.000+01:00

I hate bandwagons.

Today is a historic day - England stand on the bring of winning the ashes after a break of a million years. The irony (which isn't lost on Australia) is that they've never been allowed out of the UK, so we've always retained the ashes even though er, we've not actually retained them for ages.

Anyway, bandwagons... they remain in the cupboard or skullery gathering dust for many years ignoring all that they know nothing about. Then, suddenly they are re-ignited usually by a change in fortune or events leading to something that once was not cool, now is.

Suddenly everybody has gone cricket crazy, but 99% of them are just saying that to appear cool

I've watched cricket since 1988, and followed England mainly through misery through those 17 years, especially through the early 90's with a team of mediocrity.

Now we stand on the brink of something very special indeed - a series win against Australia.

Will it happen? I hope it does. If not, I will at least take some comfort in seeing the bandwagon losing its bias and tipping the new supporters into a rather large ditch.

"What's a googly?" oh, for fucks sake.

wrong way round (236 & 237)

2005-09-08T00:33:00.000+01:00

Forgive me for I have been sleeping. Yes, it's my favourite thing, but why change the habit of a lifetime especially after travelling around 1100 miles in a day.

I went the wrong way round.

Sunday night I found myself in the idyllic setting of Hartlepool. I use the word 'idyllic' with a pinch of irony - there are some nice bits, but there are some rough bits as well - just as every good Northern town should be. It's a bit like a senile old woman in that it has good intentions, but always ends up saying the wrong thing (which isn't always its own fault).

If you're from Hartlepool i'm sorry. You'll understand that being from Middlesbrough, nowhere else on Earth could really be worse.

The gig is set in a lovely venue, mainly used for live music - but its perfectly set out for comedy with a nice big stage and the whole floor featuring nicely arranged tables, each with a candle in the middle. This is a comedy essential in my book, and doesn't happen enough at gigs I go to these days.

I go on in the middle to do my debut 10-15 minutes, and it does go really well. I suffer incredibly because of the massive amount of bright lights shining on me (which means I literally cannot see anybody), combined with my ability to sweat bucketloads whatever the ocassion.

Some friends from back home come to see me, and they are really impressed. The last time my mate Rich watched me, I played a big gig to absolute silence - this was when I was just starting out, so the level of improvement in his eyes must be unsummountable.

I did well. My mates enjoyed it.

I left Middlesbrough the next morning to head to London - as soon as I get there I go to Robin Cousins' house, get straight into the car and he drives us to Penzance... a five and a half hour journey.

I am shattered.

We get there early, and after some delays the gig goes ahead. Again, I go on in the middle and do really well. I feel so shattered that nothing affects me at all, and this is reflected in my carefree attitude on stage - I love it when i'm like that, i just wish it would come more naturally, and not rely on me being either a) pissed, b) stoned, or c) shattered.

We're both due to stay the night with Natalie who now runs the gig - it transpires that there will be a party later on which all the acts will be going to, along with lots of lovely girls (no, really).

Robin decides he wants to drive home.

After a perilous journey with Robin being so tired he can't decide what lane he wants to drive in, I get home about 5am in the morning - i've been up for 21 hours, travelling for most of the day.

As soon as I get in, I make the sensible decision to go to bed. Much more sensible than my gig planning...

It's late

2005-09-02T03:25:00.000+01:00

Shakin’ Stevens released a song called ‘It’s late’, but I doubt it was about his wife or girlfriend having a trauma about missing a period and then the stark reality hits home that she is about to give birth to the offspring of a denim clad welsh man doing Elvis impersonations...

My mind is wandering...

It's half past three in the morning. I didn't go to bed last night until 8am this morning - my bodyclock is very confused indeed... its like a timebomb which due to ethical reasons insists on repeatedly resetting itself.

Of course I could use this time to write some great new material seeing as I am so wide awake. But no. Instead I am playing computer games and watching DVD's - I could do that any time.

Still, managed to book some more good gigs - one for this evening (which by my reckoning is tomorrow, even though it isn't) at The Queens Head, and one for the 19th September in Scarborough, the day after my debut appearance in Middlesbrough... bit of a mini North East tour.

As I write I am downloading the Corky & The Juice Pigs classic, 'I'm the only gay eskimo'...

Anyway, it's late.

ad lib

2005-09-01T05:44:00.000+01:00

I meant to write this yesterday, but now its today, so its too late.

I had a job interview yesterday (the day before), and it went quite well. So well in fact, that I was pretty much offered the job. All I have to do now is write a CV and they will make me an offer.

The last time I had a CV was three years ago, so I need to write one from scratch… I don’t even know where to start. This given that I used to help people write CV’s when I worked for a recruitment company a couple of years back, I’d completely underestimate how hard it is to write your own.

So I’ve been up all night writing it, and it looks rubbish… ah well.

I’m still feeling ill - bloody cold and cough won’t go away.

That’s all I have to say, its far too early in the morning - I’ll probably forget that I’ve written this.

Still Ill

2005-08-28T14:38:00.000+01:00

I'm still ill. It's been nine days since I contracted this flu-cold-achy-type-thing, and although I can feel it starting to go away the whole thing has really knocked me for six.

I came back from Edinburgh last Monday after spending all day friday and saturday in bed sweating my whole body weight in lemsip whilst listening to the reformed alcoholic who had fallen off the wagon a week earlier, getting pissed in the kitchen shouting abuse at the television at 3 in the morning... it was time to go home.

Edinburgh was fun though. 20 days, I concluded was enough. I'd committed to doing the whole festival, but wasn't tied to any gigs. All of the people I was sharing with were either doing their own show, or being involved as part of a show. In effect, I was the one with the easy life, but in the end I was less able to cope than they were - so fair play to them... the alcoholic (who lost his guitar and cancelled his show) aside.

Had to get out of the house last night as I was starting to get cabin fever. This happened to me before when I had a month off between jobs and was unable to leave the flat except to nip over the road to buy provisions.

So I headed down to the Bath House, which was heaving. I figured giving the problems they had with lack of acts last week may mean I stood a chance of getting a gig... Not so. I headed over to the Queens Head to talk rubbish to some comedians, and some people who want to be/or would like to think that they are... comedians.

Then I discovered that the Bath House was an act short from Richard Lewis, and was effectively offered a gig... but by this time I'd drunk myself out of the mindset of doing a gig, and besides I felt rough as fuck and really felt like going home.

I decided to do the gig.

I'm glad I did, as it turned out to be the best gig I have ever done. I am not one to congratulate myself when a gig goes well. Lots of comedians would like to admit that they 'stormed' or 'roofed it' when they only managed small titters of laughter in a room full of robots programmed only to laugh, but not me. If a gig goes well, it goes well. If a gig goes badly, it goes badly.

This one went well.

I think the audience really went with my new style coupled with the fact that I was full of cold. It made for almost a pathetic character as such. But I enjoyed it, and so did they. It was 15 minutes of bliss to be quite honest... I can't remember generating that many consistent laughs in such a long period of time, and 5 minutes was entirely new material.

I'm now lying down on my settee with a blanket over me, typing this, watching the cricket (which we're about to win), and keeping an eye on the Boro vs Charlton game (which we're about to lose).

I'm still ill.

cue Morrissey...

Does the body rule the mind Or does the mind rule the body ?
I dunno...

Ask me why, and I’ll smile Oh, ask me why, and I’ll die
And if you must, go to work - tomorrow
Well, if I were you I really wouldn’t bother
For there are brighter sides to life
And I should know, because I’ve seen them

Fernando

2005-05-17T14:40:00.000+01:00

There was something in the air that night, the stars so bright, Fernando. It shouldn't really work should it, but it does - maybe I shouldn't admit to being a fan of ABBA, although I don't think I really was until I watched a documentary about the many millions they earned - and found out that all the tours they did were for free because they didnt wanna charge over the odds for their fans to get in.

I couldnt help thinking what a lovely gesture that was, and then immediately thought of all the free comedy nights i've been to/performed at and wondered if the audience had experienced the same sort of pleasure as Agnetha & Anni-Frid created whilst belting out the opening lines of Chiquitita, and watching everybody bursting into tears waving their hands and lighters.

I've been very bad and not updated my blog since the end of March, and it is now May 17th - 9 more working days until I leave Google and embark upon a career of mirth, madness and eventually misery.

In the last month and a half I've done a number of gigs - some good, some bad, some I have no opinion of, some I can't remember doing... some... erm.

Anyway, I have two gigs left this month, in what has been the sparsest month of comedy ever ever. Feels like I'm starting again. Maybe I am. If not, maybe I should?

Yakubu

2005-05-16T14:00:00.000+01:00

Apparently Middlesbrough are going to sign Yakubu.

I don't know how I feel about that.

One Big Laugh (149)

2005-04-01T16:49:00.000+01:00

This was the best thing i've done in comedy since I started 17 months ago.

The whole event was brilliantly organised and hosted by Michael McEwan and Mac Star who defied time and space by bounding around with continuous enthusiasm and energy.

Had a long train journey up from London *4 and a half hours*, went to check in at the hotel and made my way straight out to the venue and introduced myself to mac - he looked knackered, and was drinking a frijj milkshake - I thought he could have done with something with a little more pep. He tells me that because of no-shows, and unfilled spots, he'd been on stage close to 10 hours. I nearly volunteered to go on... because i was tired, i didn't say that. I might have regretted it.

There were about 10 people there at 5pm, and I got the chance to see Grant do his first stand up set in 2 years. I was impressed, didnt look like he'd been away for 2 years, but then again, i've never met the guy before. He did a joke about BA which I thought was funny, so I decided to do a similar gag later on.

I decided to fuck off back to the hotel to get a couple of hours kip, as I wasn't supposed to be on until 10 to 11. I wasn't gonna tell mac this for fear he may have tried to kill me. On the way back i bought some green stripey socks to wear for the gig.

I headed out again to the venue for 9pm. It was packed, lots of laughter, great atmosphere. I met Michael who was in good spirits - Grant was still there, only a bit more pissed than earlier, and someone was on stage, scottish - i cant remember names, there were lots of scottish acts - and they were all really rather good.

I spotted hazel and went over to chat with her. Ian Munro had driven them both down, it had taken about 84 hours to drive, but they both seemed in good spirits. Hazel goes on and does about fifteen minutes - the audience, though rowdy seem to really like her and she gets a good response to her more "smutty" material.

Some more acts come and go, and then because Gaz from Manchester (?) doesn't show Mike tells me i'm up next. Mike introduces me as all the way from down South in England... I go on and say 'im not from england, im from middlesbrough', which gets a good laugh - Grant then yells 'Do the BA gag.' So I explain to the genuine audience members about the situation, and proceed to to the gag - it gets a big laugh. It will be the last time I do this joke, shame.

I witter on for a bit, then get stuck so decide to shout to Hazel and ask her if she knows any good knob gags. She says no, and i laugh in surprise, cut my set short and decide to get off stage.

I enjoyed it, i did OK, but maybe should have stayed on for longer. Mac and Mike both say I can go on again later, something which I plan to do, but eventually don't.

Lots of acts follow in the time that I stayed there (until 2am), these are a couple of my highlights...

Michael reading out Grants material from 2001 So You Think You're Funny, whilst Grant falls off stage and breaks the mic stand.

Alan Anderson dismissing claims that he is unpopular by giving out strawberry's and cream to the audience.

Bruce Devlin dealing with a persistent heckler stood right next to the stage 'ooh no, he's goona stab me in the cunt, fuck off you speccy four eyed twat' (you had to be there) before walking off to boos, and then going back on again to cheers and opening with the line 'right who watches television?' (you had to be there)

Rob & Skatz singing 'its a shame you have a glass eye when you're blind in the other' (genius).

Rhiannon and Laura doing some bizarre alien sketch - made the audience shut up.

Me, on stage asking hazel if she knew any good knob gags.

That performance poet in a white shell suit, looking like some kind of nuclear inspector (what was that all about)

That comedian who came on and said 'GIMME A C', the crowd shout 'C', and he says 'i was thinking of the caspian'.

It gets to 2am very quickly - I chat to Jo Jo Sutherland for a bit - she's in high spirits after doing a gig with Des Clarke who did that joke. I steal half of her last cigarette before deciding to go home. Mac asks me to come back in the morning, and I assure him I will be back about 830am.

I wake up at 10am!!!! My train is at 10:30 - i quickly pack up and leg it to the station just in time. As I leave, I feel mightily guilty especially after getting back and reading that Mac lost his voice at 6:30am and desperately needed acts. Sorry mate.

This was a great experience. To all the acts who were booked, but didn't turn up, shame on you...

I realise later that I'm now part of a world-record attempt. I'll report to Guiness head office in the morning in my best jeans and shake the hands of the ghosts of Roy Castle and Noris McWhirter; and we'll all have one big laugh about it. Thanks lads.

Thlads.

Edinburgh, Chortle & Apologies

2005-03-31T15:57:00.000+01:00

Well, i've just arrived in Edinburgh after a marathon 4 and a half hour train journey, which wasn't all that bad - I got four seats and a table all to myself so I decided to do a bit of writing inbetween sleeping and looking out of the window.

Actually got quite a lot written, so might try a couple of new gags tonight at One Big Laugh - i'm doing the coveted 10:50pm slot which I'm quite happy about - much better than going on at 9am in the morning.

Am writing this in an internet cafe, and have just logged on to msn messenger, where i get a prompt from Terry Saunders telling me that 'you're famous', and takes me to the story on the chortle home page about the BA Joke - blimey, it's all kicked off now. Shall I use the gag tonight I think....? Hmmm, no.

Am gonna head down to One Big Laugh in a minute to check it out, and then get a bit of rest before heading out tonight. Apologies I didn't write anything yesterday, it was a pretty dull day, and I couldn't be arsed!!

Chesney Hawkes is 33! (145 - 148)

2005-03-29T12:36:00.000+01:00

I've just found out that Chesney Hawkes is 33. I don't know why I'm shocked by that, as everybody has a right to get older, but it just doesn't make sense - he's been around for years and still looks the same age. I'm 29 soon - if i'd have been no.1 in the charts in 1991, I would have been 15, and now probably a household name... although I probably wouldn't be doing comedy, just some competitive reality TV show on channel 4 in a last ditch attempt to resurrect a career which died out many moons ago...

Anyway... A full weekend of gigs, one a night from Friday through to Monday, of varying degrees of respectibility. From the lovely Queens Head and Bath House, through to the silence of the Red Lion (yes, again), to the simon-cant-be-bothered-ness of Laughing Horse Oxford Circus (officially my achilles heel when it comes to performing "comedy").

Friday night flyering was great for a change - it was fairly lovely out, and masses of people about - we'd sold the night out before 8 o clock which means I only ended up doing an hour - this put me in a good mood. When I got back to the venue, I found I was on second which was even bettererer - i'd spent the last couple of Queens Head's going on towards the end, by which times I'd consumed more alcohol than I really should have (and, which I need to eventually cut out altogether).

Phil Klein had a stormer (no, really) as compere, and Mike Manera did really well going on first. I did OK in comparision to some recent gigs, and so was reasonably happy - they liked me, and laughed in all the right places - I got some banter out as well, which is always good fun.

We went to the phoenix at the end of the night, although it was closing at 12:30, so it was an early end to the evening, which was OK cos I was tired, and wanted bed.

Saturday night - Bath House, again was flyering for an hour or so. Again, it was lovely out despite a spot of rain. Nick P was out flyering for something like 3 and a half hours - I felt sorry for him, so abandoned my post and went down to check up on him. We had a pretend fight with the comedy tonight signs, and I left him to it - he seemed fairly contented.

Bath House was full again - Roddy was doing well as compere - Simon Amstell goes on first and gets no material out in 20 minutes - all random banter with some essex bird in the front row - he makes a very quick exit and wishes us all the best...

I can't remember who was on in the second half... oh aye, sorry Nick, followed by some Aussie bloke doing a 5 min spot and me. I enjoyed Nick's set, he's changed his delivery a lot and the performance was more assured, and above all considered. It's one of those sets which you can sit and pleasantly listen to, and he had the audience's full attention throughout which impressed me - i'm glad he is making progress.

Aussie geezer goes on and does 5 storming minutes - can't recall what about, but it's fucking funny, and I have to follow it.

I go on and do the BA gag. Now this gag has been subject to controversy... it's a gag which I wrote based on an old bit of material about Mr.T which I never got round to performing (probably because it wasn't funny enough). Regardless, someone else has a very similar gag on the circuit, and has been doing it for a while. Now it has also appeared on radio and on TV, so I'm going to stop doing it. I did, however, decide to do it for this weekend only and then retire it.

It's my opening gambit - and it gets the biggest laugh I've ever had from any joke, at any gig, in any room ever - laughter goes on for over a minute, and i can't get the next joke out, so just milk it (sic) by walking up and down the room. Brilliant. The rest of the set goes OK, but can't match the opening. I even end up having to re-deliver a joke because Essex bird in the front row objects to me dissing westlife - so I change the joke to Boyzone, and get a roar from the crowd. I will later change this to Busted for tomorrows gig.

So all in all not a bad gig - Stacy and me chat to Nick and Liz for a bit, and we head off down to the Queens Head to catch the end of that - then we all ambled down to the Phoenix where I spent the evening chatting to Michael Fabbri about the first jokes we ever wrote, and the things we'd most like to put into room 101 - my list consisted of umbrellas, own goals in football, wearing in new shoes, and other things. We all decided that we were going to get colonic irrigation done after liz mentioned something about yoga - i can't remember how the conversation got going, or how it ended up, but I seemed to think that having the pipe from a home wine making kit stuck up your arse in order to cleanse your system was a good idea. I have a couple more drinks, put my watch forward and left at 3am (2am)

Sunday i slept in until 3pm in the afternoon, after going to bed at about 6am. I had to leave the house to go flyering for James D'Ch at 5. I was to be doing a marathon flyering session from 5:50 until 8pm which quite frankly, is ridiculous.

Thankfully it was very very busy in town and I run out of flyers within the hour. There were three of us flyering, and because of that and the fact that we had to stick to the fire regulations on the room (30 people!!!), the whole night sold out at 7:15, and doors didn't open until 7:30pm, so it was a marvellous success.

The audience seem lovely, if a little quiet - James goes on, asks a few people who they are etc... and then brings me on. They are not warmed up, and I am annoyed - I try a little bit of banter, but don't really get a lot so I launch into material. I get some good laughs but from different parts of the room, so this isn't anything like what I'd experienced on Friday and Saturday. I do the rest of the set to 'polite' laughter, wrap up and get off. I tell Aaron Counter that I am annoyed - he said don't worry about it, it happens, and said if it was him, he would have spent a bit more time warming them up - he was right, but I don't want to make a habit out of doing that and sacrificing material time. I went home early, and went to bed.

Monday was a nice day, although again, I didn't get up until after midday, and left the house at 2pm with Stacy with a view to buying some trainers. We got into town and I nipped into work to check a couple of things, and met Stacy outside the internet cafe where I bumped into Mike Manera. He said 'what you up to? fancy a pint?' and so it was written...

Couple of pints later, and after enjoyable chat with Mike, he went off to meet up with Lucy, so we grabbed something to eat and headed down to Laughing Horse Oxford Circus, with view to getting a gig.

The place was pretty much dead all night and Nigel decided to go ahead with just 8 audience members and 7 acts. I went on 2nd last, and was rubbish - I was so tired, and couldn't be bothered, but I still got laughs which means I can do this shit, even when I'm completely inept. I want to stop this from happening, I'm smoking too much, and drinking too much - it's not good. I got home with the worst headache ever, and felt sick so went to bed.

After about an hour I felt hungry, so got up and ate, and played Pro Evolution Soccer until 3am, when I went back to bed and had 4 hours sleep.

I'm tired - don't wanna be at work - no gig planned for tonight. I might change my mind later.

eggs

2005-03-24T12:13:00.000Z

Well last night was fun - i've never seen the Red Lion so busy. I sometimes wish I could say that I've never seen the Red Lion such is the amount of bad gigs that I've been to there. Maybe times are changing, as the days get longer maybe people just want to see free comedy. Maybe people just want to spend more time drinking, thus unaware of what they're doing or indeed watching.

I went on 2nd following the ubiquitous Phil Klein H'Okay Mate - and to be fair he was given a pretty generous reception by a very full room - I think they were laughing when they realised they shouldn't have been thus creating more laughter. I think Phil's generated a niché for himself... by accident.

Alan Wilde was compering - a bit mad, but I like Alan. I'm not sure what the audience made of him though - he introduced me as 'Simon Douglass... this man is always here, and very funny' which I was annoyed about, even though it was kind of true. God, I must get out more.

I started as I did the previous night by taking the piss out of the set, then went into material - most of it worked, some got groans which I didn't expect, but it gave the opportunity to banter which was fun. It must have been the slowest 10 minutes of my life, I couldn't really be bothered - I like it when I'm like that because I have no comedy inhibitions, and some of the punchlines were done much better than if i'd given it any amount of thought.

I'm tired. Last day at work for four days - i'll be glad when this is all over and I can focus on comedy full time without any work stress. Lots of gigs coming up over the weekend, hopefully I can find time to write them all up.

Happy eggs.

Red Lion (144) - H'Okay Mate.

2005-03-23T13:21:00.000Z

Back at the Red Lion again tonight, although last nights performance will be difficult to replicate - it was a wonderful evening (very odd for a Tuesday), and plenty of people in. One of the horrible things about playing the Red Lion lots is that you get used to very apathetic audiences who tend to sit arms folded, with a defensive "make me laugh then" attitude. Last night was different... lots of lovely people in who laughed and laughed all evening... even at Joel Elnaugh.

Matt Blaize opened - he was very good, trying out a whole load of new stuff, so that got the evening off to an unexpectedly great start. He was followed by Griff Griffiths, again trying out new stuff mixed with some old favourites - he was so bloody loud, but had the audience in stiches. So, when Phil called a break everybody bar two miserable people in the front row, stayed.

I opened the second half. I must admit I was feeling very tired, the shortfall of lack of sleep going back to Sunday night's Exeter gig was a major factor. But this helped me massively, because i've developed this knack over the last year and a half of playing a gig depending on my mood - tonight I was a bit of a stoner. It helped the material sound much more personal, and as some people pointed out i was more myself than usual, and so as a result got many more laughs than I could have predicted.

So... me happy. Jimmy McGhie went on after me and was brilliant - I only remember the butane gas thing from his set, but some other new stuff was equally as awesome. Helen Keen closed the half doing only 5 mins of new stuff - I asked her why she only did five, when she was booked for ten and she told me it was to get the new stuff out. I said, why not do old stuff and new stuff and do ten minutes... I think she took this on board. She's going to be a great comic.

Another break, still the audience persevered with the very happy and energetic Mr. Klein as compere. On came Robin Cousins trying some new stuff, some which worked, some not. Following him was the legend that is Joel Elnaugh... in fact, I think its the best I've ever ever seen him - he was just completely shit. The South African bloke sat next to me at the back and asked if it was for real... I said "yes, he is fucking rubbish", and he burst out laughing.

Terry Saunders closed and was as playful as ever with the audience, although I think this detracted from his set, as he got more laughs through bantering - still very good, but he needs to get some control

And that was the end of the night, jimmy came back looking for his jumper which he'd lost, and i accidentally head-butted a pretty Aussie girl in the back row, but thats another story. The South African guy bought me a drink, and I chatted to him and his cousin for a while, before heading off to the phoenix - Robin and me doing Phil Klein impressions on the way, H'Okay Mate. Me and Phil had a pint, chatted to Bob the poet then I went home and had a look at the pictures which had just been sent to me from the Crewe gig - all very good.

Red Lion (143) - Szilard Nemeth

2005-03-22T16:00:00.000Z

So, I find myself in familiar territory at the Red Lion this evening trying new stuff out. This can often be risky, especially when the audience consists of tourists... four of them. Maybe i should start taking all the British references out of my set to suit a more international audience, but then again... no.

Don't know who else is on tonight. Last time I did this the audience numbered 7 people and whilst attempting to leave, Gareth Berliner told me I had to go on. He was wrong, but I went on all the same, and did my set to pretty much silence which was hugely enjoyable, and i learned a lot - don't do a gig to seven people. I didn't even manage to get any new jokes out, but that was really my problem because I hadn't written any.

Comedy is fun at the moment, coming off the back of a run of great gigs out of London, and then doing well on my return, followed by a mute crowd at Exeter on Sunday night.

Finally dropped the hackneyed speed dating stuff from my set, which makes it sound so much better, and i do feel relief running through my veins at my ability to get new stuff out in its place... hopefully the new new stuff which I do tonight will give me something else to think about.

Ideally, I want to get to the stage where I am a football manager with a major selection headache but that I feel, is gonna take some time. The subs bench is currently overflowing with ideas and Szilard Nemeth.